And now, the 13 finalists (yes, this year there is 13 finalists thanks to a last-minute change that I saw coming) of American Idol 2009:

The ladies of Idol 2009

Alison IRAHETA

Megan Joy CORKREY

Alexis Grace MIDDLETON

Jasmine MURRAY

Lillian ROUNDS

The gentlemen of Idol 2009

Kris ALLEN

Anoop DESAI

Matt GIRAUD

Daniel GOKEY

Adam LAMBERT

Scott MACINTYRE

Jorge NUNEZ MENDEZ

Jeremy Michael SARVER

I assume that at some point, there will be a double elimination in the finals. While I have some fundamental disagreements with the makeup of the final 13, I will at least be watching the shows, unlike last season which was simply abhorrent. Alas, Tatiana del Toro fell short one last time in the wild-card round, despite singing way better than those who did make the cut AND bringing back the Tatiana that we know and love. The only way that her psychic friend's prediction will hold true is if someone withdraws or gets kicked out and the producers realize that Tatiana IS American Idol.

My favorite of the 13 finalists is Adam Lambert. We need a gay guy to win this sucker. I despise that fat fuck Jeremy Michael Sarver and that wife-killer Daniel Gokey. The remaining 10 are decent if somewhat uninspiring. Still, it's a better line-up than last year.

Note that for only the second time in American Idol history, there is not one male African-American singer in the finals. Ju'Not Joyner did very well in his semifinal performance, and should have been given a wild-card spot, but perhaps his off-the-cuff mention of getting a cortisone shot in the ass cost him. Only five people of color made the finals: Lillian (Lil), Jasmine, Allison, Jorge, and Anoop.

SEMIFINAL HEAT 01

1. Ann Marie Boskovich - Sara Bareilles Will Cut You, Bitch
2. Ricky Braddy - 30 Million People Watching... and They Could Care Less
3. Casey Carlson - Every Little Thing She Did Was Bullshit
4. Tatiana del Toro - Charisma. Uniqueness. Nerve. Talent.
5. Anoop Desai - Blue Devil Idol
6. Stephen Fowler - Line?
7. Danny Gokey - McGokey and Dead Wife (or, The Thread for Danny Gokey and His Dead Wife, His Creepy Best Friend, and His Cult)
8. Alexis Grace - Blondes with Pink Streaks in Their Hair Have More Fun
9. Michael Sarver - Idol Gotta Get a Roughneck
10. Brent Keith Smith - Spencer Flat
11. Jackie Tohn - She Brought Down the Window Screen, If Not the House
12. Stevie Wright - Under-joyed

SEMIFINAL HEAT 02

1. Kris Allen
2. Matt Breitzke
3. Megan Corkrey
4. Matt Giraud
5. Mishavonna Henson
6. Alison Iraheta
7. Kai Kalama
8. Adam Lambert
9. Jesse Langseth
10. Nick Mitchell
11. Jasmine Murray
12. Jeanine Vailes

SEMIFINAL HEAT 03

1. Arianna Afsar
2. Felicia Barton
3. Kendall Beard
4. Ju'Not Joyner
5. Scott MacIntyre
6. Nathaniel Marshall
7. Kristen McNamara
8. Jorge Nunez
9. Lil Rounds
10. Von Smith
11. Taylor Vaifanua
12. Alex Wagner-Trugman

Last night, the 36 semifinalists of American Idol 2009 were announced to the world. The spoiler that I discussed last week, it was true all along. This is surely going to be a better season than in years past.

There are 18 men and 18 women in the field, and the semifinal heats will be balanced in terms of gender. For instance:

Heat 01

MEN: Ricky Braddy, Anoop Desai, Stephen Fowler, Danny Gokey, Jeremy Michael Sarver, and Brent Keith Smith

WOMEN: Anne Marie Boskovich, Casey Carlson, Tatiana Nicole del Toro, Alexis Grace, Jackie Tohn, and Stevie Wright

The top men's spot should come down to Anoop Desai and Danny Gokey, with Danny just edging out the anti-Sanjaya. On the women's side, it's a toss-up among Anne Marie Boskovich, Tatiana Nicole del Toro, and Jackie Tohn. Based on talent, I think that Jackie stands the best chance, but one can never count out Tatiana (the most controversial contestant in Idol history) or Anne Marie.

Possible spoilers: on the men's side, we have the two country boys Jeremy Michael Sarver and Brent Keith Smith. Idol already has its marketable female country singer in Carrie Underwood; perhaps they may be underplaying both men's chances and we could be in for a surprise next week. Of the remaining three women, Alexis Grace could steal the show.

I'm not sure about the chances of Ricky Braddy (whom we've yet to see), Stephen Fowler (who nearly ruined his chances by walking out of a performance of David Cook's coronation song from last year), Casey Carlson, and Stevie Wright. But you never know.

Only the top man and top woman, plus the next best contestant regardless of gender, will advance to the finals from each heat. The rest will have to hope that their performances hold up for wild card consideration.

But Joanna Pacitti will not be one of them. 12 hours after the 36 semifinalists were announced, I found out that Joanna, who has been in and around the entertainment industry for years waiting for the other shoe to drop, has been DISQUALIFIED due to links with 19 Entertainment, one of the forces behind American Idol. Joanna has blown the biggest opportunity of her life, and as a result, Felicia Barton, one of the casualties of last night's episode, has replaced her in the competition.

UPDATE: The producers of American Idol have moved Jeremy Michael Sarver into one of the remaining two semifinal heats. Matt Breitzke will take over his spot for next week's first semifinal heat. Why? With two country-ish male artists in the heat, there was a big chance that the vote could be split. I knew that the producers were favoring the male Carrie Underwoods this year. As for Matt? I don't expect him to stand out, but you never know.

KENDALL BEARD - I only saw a few seconds of her audition in Puerto Rico. She'll most likely be the most successful blonde whore from this year's lot. Unlike last year, the blonde whores have been kept to a minimum. Now, the brunette whores are key players. Could 2010 be the year of the redhead whores?

KRIS ALLEN - Only a few seconds of his audition in Louisville were shown. I have a feeling that the producers may be saving him for something big, a la Elliott Yamin and LaToya London. Or someone like him. The brunette whores this year are not just the girls.

KRISTEN MCNAMARA - Here's our lone San Francisco Bay Area resident in the semifinals (she's from Napa). In the most recent episode, she was teamed with Nancy Wilson (no, not those Nancy Wilsons) and Nathaniel Marshall (more on him in a moment), and caused lots of drama. When she and Nathaniel were spared and Nancy wasn't, Nancy let her have it.

LIL ROUNDS - So far, the producers are pimping her as the girl to beat. She does have a great voice and a nice personality. I could see her either winning or being in the top six at worst. I hope that she can distinguish herself enough from the other African-American female singers who have been a significant force in this contest from the beginning.

MATT BREITZKE - Some welder dude from Oklahoma. I'm surprised he's still in the running.

MATT GIRAUD - Piano-playing male brunette whore who could be a spoiler, or could be eliminated early.

MEGAN CORKREY - Divorced, single mom from Utah who auditioned in Salt Lake City. That's all the notes that I have on her.

JEREMY MICHAEL SARVER - Decent voice, nice guy, family guy... bland. But since Idol hasn't had a male Carrie Underwood...

MISHAVONNA HENSON - I have no idea who she is. She could either be the winner by May or be ousted this month.

NATHANIEL MARSHALL - He was virtually absent in the audition episodes, but since the callback episodes began airing this past week, he has been a featured player. He does have a solid, capable singing voice, but he is possibly the most emotional male wreck in American Idol history. If he lasts long enough, he could be the "Sanjaya" of this contest or possibly a legitimate contender for the crown.

NICK "NORMAN GENTLE" MITCHELL - Nick auditioned in New York City, and brought along his campy alter ego "Norman Gentle". To the shock of Simon Cowell, and most everyone else, Nick got a golden ticket to the callbacks. They thought that he would be gone in the first round, a la that crazy David dude from the 2005 season. When this list made the Internet rounds, there was one questionable entry: a guy named Nick. Was it a black dude named Nick Hendrix? Was it some guy whose real name was Dominick? It turns out... that Norman Gentle was the guy. He should make for an interesting competition.

RICKY BRADDY - I don't know who he is, but I can't underestimate him.

SCOTT MACINTYRE - The piano-playing composer is the first American Idol semifinalist with a physical disability: he is legally blind. He has done well so far, so I'm interested in what he can bring to the show.

STEPHEN FOWLER - Since Ruben Studdard won in 2003, Idol hasn't had that many male R&B singers in serious contention. I'm not holding out much hope for Stephen, but who knows?

STEVIE WRIGHT - Some girl named after Stevie Nicks.

TATIANA DEL TORO - Okay, this girl is something else. What can one say about Puerto Rico's Tatiana Nicole del Toro... that hasn't been said? She's a competent vocalist, and you can't say that she isn't a fighter. Already, some people have called her the worst reality-show contestant in television history, no thanks to an incident in the callbacks where she nearly brought down TWO groups. She is either the strangest woman that Idol has ever encountered, or the smartest contestant ever. You will have to stay tuned. 

TAYLOR VAIFANUA - Samoan Mormon princess from Utah who looks like Jordin Sparks. I'm sick of her already, which means we won't be rid of her for at least two months.

VON SMITH - Two years ago, he appeared on "The View" and sang "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" as a relative unknown. Now, he's the biggest screaming queen (literally and figuratively) in Idol history. Either he will be a significant player in the contest, or he will piss off so many people that he'll be out of the contest in one fell swoop. 

And there you have it - 36 alleged Idol semifinalists for 2009.

This is the alleged crop of semifinalists for this year's American Idol. The results will be announced next Wednesday, during the notorious Chair episode (taped last month as the regional auditions were being screened). Note that, unlike in seasons 4 to 7, there is no guys vs. girls matchup, nor will the lowest-polled men and women be forced out of the running. Instead, these 36 will be divided into 3 groups of 12. The man and woman with the highest number of votes in each heat will advance to the finals, with the next highest-voted contestant (irrespective of gender) joining them. They're also bringing back the Wildcard round, and this time the judges will have the final say.

As you know, I tried out for this season. I made it as far as the producer round (the one before the actual confrontation with the judges). Of these 36, I recognize only one from my regional audition: Kai Kalama, even though we never actually met and I didn't even know who the hell he was at the time. There is a lot more diversity and personality in this bunch than there have been in previous seasons. Based on what I've seen, Lil Rounds and Adam Lambert are the ones to beat. But it's still an open competition, and the new semifinal format means that even the most pimped of contestants may have a hard time to make it out of their heats - unless the producers stack the field. And that's probably going to happen, but one can hope that the contest is fair to all concerned.

Having said that, while there are a bevy of guys who have capabilities of being "fuckable", collectively, this lot needs to be sissified and turned out. Whoever is doing their makeup, hair, and wardrobe stylings should be taken into a back alley and gang raped. When the semifinals come around, I hope to see these bitches turned out big time.

Here are some notes on this year's 36 semifinalists:

ADAM LAMBERT - I've seen video of him performing on YouTube. He's quite the showman, and Idol hasn't had a showman EVER. On top of that, he has a great voice. He looks like last year's winner David Cook, only fitter and more aesthetically pleasing. I think that in the semifinals, he will unleash his showman magic on the world.

ALEX WAGNER-TRUGMAN - One of many contestants with double-barrel surnames this year, I don't remember much about him, other than he taught himself to sing while in the closet. Seriously.

ALEXIS GRACE - Isn't her boyfriend in Iraq or something?

ALLISON IRAHETA - Two years ago, she won Telemundo's one-off tween talent show "Quinceanera". She is the second reality-show winner to make the jump to Idol, the first being "Monique's Fat Chance" 2005 winner and 2008 Idol semifinalist Joanne Borgella.

ANNE MARIE BOSKOVICH - In her Jacksonville audition, she had to audition twice in front of the judges, the second time after being given a sort-of make-over to make her look like a STAR. She'll likely make the finals.

ANOOP DESAI - He's the anti-Sanjaya who studied barbecue at UNC.

ARIANNA AFSAR - She likes to hang out with old people.

BRENT KEITH SMITH - Once again, we have a refugee from another competitive reality show. He was a finalist on Nashville Star. Coincidentally, Idol veterans Melissa Howard (2005 season) and Coffey Anderson (2003 season) competed in the most recent edition of Nashville Star, with Melissa winning.

CASEY CARLSON - Some hot girl with an okay voice. At least it's not that Bikini Whore Katrina Darrell.

DANNY GOKEY - Or, as Idol has been putting it, "Danny Gokey and His Dead Wife".

JACKIE TOHN - At her New York regional audition, she brought the house down. Well, a window screen anyways.

JASMINE MURRAY - Simon Cowell called her "commercial". She was teamed up with, of all people, Bikini Whore Katrina Darrell, and she ended up being the lone survivor in her callback group performance.

JEANINE VAILES - So far, she's the only one who I have yet to see perform.

JESSE LANGSETH - I saw her perform in the callback group performance round, and she sounded good.

JOANNA PACITTI - Here now is the Carly Smithson of 2009. That is all you need to now.

JORGE NUNEZ MENDEZ - The regionals in San Juan, Puerto Rico unearthed 9 winners from both Puerto Rico and the mainland. Jorge was one of the former. He and Tatiana del Toro (more on her later) are the first contestants from outside the 50 states to make the semifinal round on American Idol. Jorge has had trouble singing in English, but he seems to have gotten better.

JU'NOT JOYNER - He tried out last year, and made it to the Hollywood callbacks.

KAI KALAMA - Other than the fact that he's been taking care of his sick mother, there isn't much to say about him.

Tomorrow, my takes on the rest of the alleged 36 American Idol semifinalists.

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